Shadow the Edge-Lord: The Beginning

Once upon a very long time ago, there was this big thing floating in space shaped like some guy's head. Pretty vain, I bet. Anyway, this guy was a scientist working on a SUPER-secret project. His name was Gerald, nicknamed Scientist Man because reasons, and he was trying to make a cure for terminal illness or something.
(Oh, there's also this girl named Maria that's his granddaughter who has N.I.D.S., but she's just some plot device thrown in to make this all more EDGY.)
Scientist Man's research wasn't doin' too hot, so he turned to alien mobsters. The head honcho: Black Doom. (Ooh, the edge.) The conversation went something like this...
S.M: Hey, random alien guy. Since I'm not too smart, can you generously donate some of your DNA to my project aimed at creating an ultimate cure?
B.D: If you let me an' mah homies commit mass genocide on Earth in fifty years, then why the hell not?
S.M: Goody, goody gumdrops. Let's get to work! See, what did I tell you? His head was pretty friggin' numb.
So the project continued, Black Doom basically took control after that. He rapped it up gangsta style with his gold chains that defied all physics. Maria sat in the corner doing nothing but existing. Bing-bang-boom, after a month of drug abuse they ended up with a whole other living creature instead of a cure for cancer. How the shit that worked out, I couldn't tell ya.
The moment Black Doom da Rapper and Scientist Man finished...
S.M: Holy cheese-and-crackers, I think we've done it.
B.D: You been sittin' in the lounge room eatin' popcorn and snortin' coke, dammit. I been doin' the work. Did you even take a shower?
S.M: Keep the rap going, scrub. Don't ask questions.
Scientist Man opened the pod that housed the "Ultimate Lifeform," as he referred to it. Black Doom called it "da Ultimate Rapper," which I think is much cooler.
The smell of marijuana filled the air, Scientist Man gasped and Maria read a fashion magazine. Metal music started playing from nowhere.
The thing walked out, brandishing a magnum in one hand and an AK-47 in the other. He was wearing shades and smoking a Cuban cigar.
S.M and B.D: Shadow...
Shadow (Like a goshdarn boss): Hello, daddy.
Maria: Where the hell is my pizza?
S.M: This is unbelievable! What are your powers? Your weaknesses?
Shadow: I can say "Damn," and teleport, and time travel, and do practically anything because I'm razor-sharp. I have no weakness.
B.D: I'mma like this kid. Takes after his old man.
S.M: His old mans?
B.D: Shut up. Nobody likes you.
So they stayed up in that tin can, doing more drugs and watching bad pornos. Maria became Shadow's love interest after she killed a puppy on accident with his magnum. They smoked together, drank together, and some other crap that lovers do. Shadow, being the badass he is, played Atari with all the cheat codes. Black Doom reluctantly left to go lead his mob once more, and Scientist Man became so stupid due to his cocaine addiction that he went insane.
On Valentine's Day the next year, Shadow was peacefully shooting bowling pins because he could. He thought of Maria, and smiled gleefully. Maria had a heart just as tiny and shriveled as his, and he loved her for that alone. Metal music played on his Walkman because he was just too much of a genius to use an MP3 player.
Maria (boozed upon Budweiser): Hey, Sssshhhhhadow.
Shadow: Why didn't you tell me you were gettin' drunk, pretty?
He pushed his now-signature shades on his forehead. His eyes were like one-thousand burning knives of despair and... I'll stop there, it was too intense.
Maria: I donneed ta have you 'round alla time ta (hic) drink sum Buuuuud...
The hedgehog walked up to her, holding her hand. Things were about to git real.
Shadow: I've... wanted to tell you this for some time now, but-
A crash could be heard, followed by heavy footsteps.
S.M: The Fuzz! The Fuzz is here to kill us!
Shadow: Damn! Should've never shot that bullet through the floor while using Chaos Control and reading Manga. (Chaos Control is mystic stuff BTW. Such a great multi-tasker.)
Shadow grabbed his Atari, guns, and Maria; making a run for it. He ran for several minutes, while his girlfriend giggled tipsily and chattered on about the Brady Bunch. Edgy-ass explosions happened in the background. A horde of policemen wearing spacesuits followed, holding handguns; Shadow could have easily taken them all out, but he was concerned for Maria's safety. (What a gentleman.) Scientist Man was running along with the police, naked and equipped with his own gun.
Shadow: Oh crap, we're at the Escape Pod chamber! We'll have to get in a Pod fast! C'mon, Maria!
Maria wandered over to the Pod's control module, stupefied by all of its flashing lights. Shadow had stepped into the Pod, not realizing that Maria wasn't by his side.
Maria: What doesss this blue one doooo? An' this greeeeeen wahhhhhhn?
The blue button closed the door on Shadow. The green button was the one that would send him into space.
Shadow (screaming): Maria! Don't press that! Come here to me.
S.M: I LAIIIIIIK CHIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPSSSSSSS!!!!
''Bang! Bang!'' Two shots fired, one hitting Maria. Scientist Man smiled.
S.M: I like chips.
Maria: Someone... musta... slipped... me... a... mic-key...
There was blood on the floor, there was guts on the module, and salty-yet-badass tears on Shadow's face. (So... tragic... sniffle.)
Shadow: All my edginess, and I couldn't save her. Wahhh!
S.M: Aw, quit being a pussy. Say, what does this green thingy do?
Scientist Man hit the green button. There was a rumbling noise, and then a click as the Pod detached from the spaceship.
Police Officer 1: What the hell did you do that fer?
S.M: It was pretty, and he was being a major crybaby.
Police Officer 2: Welp, he'll probably die when he impacts Earth. My work here is done.
Police Officer 3: I'm going to Subway.
S.M: What do I do?
Police Officer 1: You go in an asylum on Prison Island. (Dun-dun-duuuun!)
S.M: Shit. Ah, well. I still like chips.